So basically we were just evicted out of our house and there is a chance that we won't get all of our items out of the house. My mom is extremely sick and she just lost her health insurance.. again. She won't get insurance again ever. She doesn't have her thyroid pill and she is becoming even more sick because of that. I'm scared for her health. She should actually be in the hospital with her condition but she is trying to stick it out for me. Which I feel bad because sometimes I take her forgranted. Sometimes I don't show her the appreciation that I should. If it weren't for my grandmother's house we would be homeless. It is a very full house. My uncle is staying there and so are we.. plus our dog and two cats. This is all in a trailer. Err.. "Mahd-uh-lerrrr home". My life sucks right now. I just went to the hospital the day before yesterday. I have a bug bite or spider bite on my arm and it caused celluitis and lymphitis... very serious shit. So I'm on major antibiotics right now. Thank god it's not erethomyacin(sp?). But it is Cephalexin.. the strongest antibiotic. Ugh. Disgusting stuff. Makes my head feel heavy and I'm constantly tired. better than having my arm amputated.. right? >.> Anyway so... life=sucky. =]] Oh well. Hopefully we'll move soon and I'll be all fine and dandy. Until then...life sucks muchos.
My mother went to court today for the temporary guardianship of Lalie and conservatorship. She didn't get it. I am so extremely depressed and disgusted. A lot of things are crashing down on me right now. Plus.. I'm on my period so that doesn't help me being in a good mood. I'm not sure if next week when she goes for the permanent hearing if she'll get it or not. We're fucked if she doesn't. I'm so completely not happy about it. Obviously. I feel like crying constantly but I've decided to hold it in. What's the point? It's life. The end.
My list of realizations and problems that add to my not being happy:
no.1) We won't have any money what-so-ever if Lalie isn't in our guardianship. Then if that happens it is back to grandmother's house.
no.2) I don't have any friends. None. I have a few but they are busy and don't take the time to hang out with me. I have literally NO social life at all.
no.3) I don't have a computer or laptop. No way to get on the internet besides when I'm at Tyler's.
no.4) Tyler is going to be gone all this weekend. He is leaving early tomorrow morning. I'm going to be alone. Alone doesn't go over well with me. I will go through withdrawl of social company and will become even more depressed. I guess it's sleeping in for my agenda the next 3 days.
For Example:Tomorrow is the last day of summer school. Extremely joyous for me. I took physical education. No, I did not fail P.E., I just had to take it over summer school because the district changed the rules on me and wouldn't let me take it next year. My summer has been alright. So far it has been quite on the boring side.
In Addition:The only person who I have seen all summer is my wonerful boyfriend Tyler whom I get closer to everyday. It's so extremely crazy how amazing Tyler is. My mind can't conceive how perfect he is for me. On every level of our relationship we are great. He always intoxicates me into a state of euphoria when I'm around him. Around him I always feel like a different person. I feel exhilirated, as if I'm in a dream. When I'm with him I feel wanted and needed. When I'm with him I feel safe. I'm elated. I feel free. He captivates me. I love him so much. He is my best friend, my boyfriend, and my love. He has made my summer fun and majorly had a hand in it being less boring.
So it looks like I moved into a new house although most of your probably already heard it. I live near the Cine Capri past Frank Loyd Wright. Nice.. huh? Snottsdale. It's alright though. I am taking care of a 93 year old lady right now.. she lives in our house. Not the easiest of tasks when they have dimensia. UGH. Oh well.. we are going to get a care taker soon so it'll be all good. My boyfriend is amazing and my love for just keeps growing. I am the most happy I have ever been in my life. It is nice. I don't really have any immediate best friends as of right now. Aside from my boyfriend, Tyler, who is not only my boyfriend, but my best friend. Literally. It's nice. Ashly and I haven't talked in FOREVER. Of course I'll always consider her my BFFL and she'll always be in the back of my mind. As of right now, though, Tyler is my immediate best friend. School is alright.. I guess. o.o; I don't know.. I seem to find it boring. The only thing that keeps it alive is Tyler. I'm too lazy to type more so I'll be back later to tell you more.
I have a boyfriend. Have since about a month ago but I haven't metioned it because I haven't had time to get on the computer. I am so unbelieveably happy. It's amazing. Absolutly amazing. It's like WAM. Right there in your face.I'm just extremely comfortable with him and I could tell him anything. He has the same tastes in everything and he doesn't think I'm nuts. He listens to me and supports me with everything I do. He is a mature individual. He is also a gentlemen. Y'know; the kind that opens doors for you and pays for movie tickets(even though I tell him not to but he does it anyway..) I know he always be there for me through thick and thin, good and bad. I also know that he will r e s p e c t me in everyway. It's nice knowing that. Not only is he my boyfriend but he is my best friend. We laugh at everything and he makes me smile constantly. He makes life just that much brighter..
I'm moving soon. Either in Snottsdale or Carefree. Probably Aviano(if you have any clue what that is). I'm excited. =]
For once in my life.. everything is finally starting to work out. It's not quite there yet but it's stepping up.
Boyfriend broke up with me which sucks extremely. Now he wants me back... Even though I do still have love him I would be letting down everyone else around me and letting myself down if I got back together with him because I know he'd hurt me again. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice.. shame on me. So.. I'm not going to let that happen. It hurts, a lot. I don't even like looking at him it hurts so much. Nothing can heal me now but the passing of time I suppose.
I was nominated to represent my school and district and I believe state for the National Congressional Young Leaders Council in front of congress in the Washington, D.C.. Very odd. I don't know why I was nominated. But alright. I'm all for it.
I feel like total crap lately. Like an old woman. When other people have the energy, I don't. Nothing excites me.. I can never actually have a good laugh. I see no reason to get out of bed anymore. The only reason I do get out is because I feel i 'll miss out on something or get in trouble for not getting up. I feel so... not alive. I feel like a zombie. I wish I got excited.. I wish I had energy. It sucks. And I don't know how to fix it. I am going to go to the docter to see if it's because of my health. And I hope I do it soon. =/. Anyone think they know what could be wrong with me?
I'm definantly not depressed. But I am more suppressed. It seems as though I can't fully get what I need to stay truly alive. I'm not meaning alive as in breathing or being physically here. I mean't alive as in hyper, happy, and just here on a mental state. I am very bored with everything and everyone lately. Once in a while I'll be extremely amused but that doesn't happen too often. My friends bore me. They're mostly all fake. They don't seem to understand me, and I see right through them. I try to humble myself to their level of life but I can't seem to do that. It is very annoying on my part. I want to be fully content with everything but I can't seem to be. Maybe it's sleep depervation. My boring schedule:
1) Wake up at 4:30am in the morning, get ready for school, do homework, and usually steal a couple bites of food. 2) Go to school, 1st period goes quick. 2nd I am the producer of tv announcments. very stressful. I have to do EVERYTHING in that class. 3rd photography.. probably the most boring class of the day. We haven't even begun to take pictures yet. 4th Math. I always nearly fall asleep or drift off everyday. 5th lunch.. either I am trying my hardest to be happy or have fun and not be bored, inside the tv room, or being more bored than usual. 6th I am in physics trying my hardest to pay attention. Then graphic design. It usually takes my mind off everything. Then I go to The Hobbit, play practice. It's one of the things I really enjoy. It lasts till 5. Then I go home and sleep. As soon as I get home I can't even keep my eyes open.
So maybe it's sleep depervation that has a hold of me.
A certain friend doesn't seem to like me as of right now. What's up with that? BFFL means what it means.. but I suppose that the -best friends for life- part kind of just blew away in the wind. I have no idea why or how or what I did. I didn't talk crap I didn't stab them in the back I didn't physically or mentally hurt them I didn't ignore them I didn't do anything to them. Evidently.. they just got sick of me. Mind you... I heard that they didn't really want to be in my presence by someone else. Not them. Oh how nice to lose a friendship. That's how I like to start my day out. And what really makes me laugh. Is that they still act like they are my "friend" They call me up when they're bored and have no one else to talk to. They come to me for a last resort. Sure, I'll play along with their little game. Until I get bored
I am more irritated than I am hurt by them. But I am very hurt as well.
I went to the movies with Sean today. He randomly called me up and told me that he and I have to hang out before he leaves to Hawaii for two weeks. We saw cars. Hahah. It was actually an awsome movie; one of those movies where you laugh when you aren't supposed to if you know what I mean. We both layed down on the seats. It had to look completely wrong from where everyone else was sitting. It was comfortable though. =] Mm. That made me happy hanging out with him.
My friendship is somewhat over, or at least resolved. I don't know if from his pov if it's resolved, and we can start over. I'm not sure. We'll find out though. Oh well; I feel somewhat lighter...but in a good way. That is my best friend, Kevin, and he's helped me through a friendship that's been hard.
I was waiting for my food at Sonic, talking to my mother about school, normal everyday stuff. Then a homeless man walks up to the telephone that they have at Sonic, and looks to see if there is any change inside it. At the same exact time me and my mother, without a word, go to get money out of our wallets. I pulled out $2.00 and she pulled out $1.00. We waited to get our food, and as we did he walked away. By the time we got our food he was down the street, way far away. As he walked, more like dragging his feet, he was slumped over.We drove to get close to him, stopped the car while we turned, and said "Hey!" to him, he came closer. He was very skinny, sweating, and had a wrinkled white shirt on with some blue sweat pants. His face was sunken in and red from probably barely eating and scarcely any water. He looked so depressed, like there was no one in the world. I think maybe god was all he had at that point. I held out the three dollars. He looked at me with surpise, like he now found someone who actually did care enough. He took the money fragility and with a smile on his face he said ,with his hoarse voice, that barely my mother could hear,"Thank you dear god! Thank you dear god! Thank you!" he mumbled something after words I could not hear. But it sounded like he said "You two are angels." He had tears in his eyes. While we drove away he was smiling, and no longer walking around like god was the only person he had. My mom started crying and I had tears in my eyes. I am glad I could touch someone's life like that. Just to see the smile on his face was worth more than three dollars. I touched his life, and in turn, he touched mine.
Friends take a long time to make best friends. Hard to get close to, hard to trust. So easily lost. Not so easily found. Finally, you think you've found a best friend. You drop everything for them, all of your other friends. Pretty soon their all you have left. But what happends, when they leave as well?
It's seriously been a year since I've posted on here. WOOOAH! CRAAZYYY! New Years was AWSOME. dsigohasdghidfgt like woaooooahhh. I was reading some old entrys, they make me laugh. =]
Tuesday- Had a half day, saw Exocism of Emily Rose for the second time. It was funny this time, last time I cried from fear. But since I had Sean on the left of me and Clay(who had seen it before also) of the right of me, it was all good. I coverd my eyes on the parts that creeped me out, otherwise I laughed. Yay didn't cry! I was totally Sean's peeing buddy. No one would go to the bathroom with him. So we went into the family bathroom. No joke joke. I just totally scared him when he walked out of the guys bathroom. Oh yeah, I've got mad skills at that. It was fuuunnnn. =]] I totally hit a guy in the chest with a paper cup lid. I flung it like a frisby, meaning to hit Shea(my friend) but it hit someone way far away. It was HILARIOUS. He went to the group of kids behind me and I could hear him yelling at them "Did you throw this!?" hahaha. sighsidghsd Then he came to me and Sean and said "Did you throw this" and I said "What?" and he asked again and I said "uhh..no." in a very assertive way I must say =]. He totally believed me. I cracked up when he walked away.
Wednesday- Nothing.I hit my head on a counter..it hurt. Badly. Ouch. I'm suprised it didn't bruise.
Thursday- Then, my best friend doesn't pay attention to me. Ever sence he got a girl friend..he's been basicly ignoring me. People ask me why I don't think he is an asshole, or why I am not pissed. I am one of those people who get more hurt than mad. I am deeply deeply hurt. Everytime I look at him I feel like crying. I cut my hair, ooh it feels so good now. Wee.
Today- I tooottallylyyy had a effing-great-day. Oh shya. It started out great, the weather was perfect. I went to math(easy),S.S.(AHH I love my s.s. teacher.. he's the greatest),then choir(boreing but easy),then Science(hehehhehehehe, it was funny.) thhennenenen lunchipoo. Ooh that was FUN. I gave my guy friends make-overs, and almost got stung by a rabid malacious bee. Woopie. Then p.e., alls well doesn't always end well. I feel off a bench onto my back and spilled water EVERYWHERE possible. Wee. Yay! Woot woot, raise the roof with twa fallin. Actually it was funny and I enjoyed making people laugh, it's just my nature. Then the weight room. Grr. That hurt. Eviilllness. =/ I lived though. ::stares at wall:: Then english. There are tons of smileys all over the room..and they...stare at me. I hate it. Oh well, once again I liveddddd. Yo..cool. Then d rizzle fo shizzle (the mall) That was fun, someone called me a mime? Nice. Yeah, so here I am now. Tired as ever. I've had a head ache ever since I hit my head. Ughh it hurts sooo much. Rawr. <3
The Used concert was great.. I had a great time. Rocking out and all. There weren't any cute guys there. A bunch of Mtv lovers. >_> I think that is the hardest I've ever head banged a/o jumped and rocked out.. ever. The fact that our seats were up high didn't make any diffrence what-so-ever. It was fun, until the end. We left and the security guard wouldn't let us walk a certain way, so when we were walking my mom tripped over a piece of cement? I guess she fell hard, I wasn't looking. Me and my reflexes I start laughing. And then I just had to say "that was great." I didn't think she fell that bad, just like tripped. Then she started calling me names and things, and Ashly said I was mean. sdgfhjiosdgfhsdhg I feel so freaking bad X433454386504386034. I don't think I can not describe how bad I feel. Like mega awful. I almost started crying. I am such a dumb bitch. A dumb dumb bitch. I honestly do not know what to say to my mother but sorry. But I think my sorrys have worn out. I am not sure if she will forgive me, I hurt her a lot. God damnit I am such an ass. Assuming makes an ass out of me.
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innocentcar's journal
grumpy
sad
cheerful
tired
numb
calm
crazy
bored
I hate myself sometimes.